I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
- Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
- Rodney Dangerfield
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
- Rodney Dangerfield
In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get no respect!
- Rodney Dangerfield
There goes the neighborhood.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield
