To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
- Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
- Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
- Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright
