"Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money."
- Author Unknown
"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them."
- P.J. O'Rourke
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
- Dave Barry
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."
- By Victor Borge
"Who's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer."
- By Catherine Tate
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
- Johnny Carson
"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."
- Johnny Carson
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
- George Carlin
"Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time."
- Doug Coupland
"There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas."
- Robert Lynd
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
- Henny Youngman
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus."
- Bob Phillips
"Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it "white". "
- Bing Crosby
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
- W. C. Fields
"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."
- Author Unknown
