Desperate Housewives Quotes

Lynette: Do you know what psychological warfare is? [Shakes his head]
Porter Scavo: No?
Lynette: Too bad for you.

Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!

Mary Alice: It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose.

Bree: I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbook has it wrong, I can fix it.

John Rowland: What other option do you have? Except return the shoes and get your money back.
Gabrielle: Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.

Mama Solis: Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled.

Mary Alice Scott: Susan had met the enemy. And she was a slut.

Paul Young: You know, Julie is a very special girl.
Zach Young: I know.
Paul Young: She could have just about any boy she wants... I think you're a wonderful kid, I do, but you're not that special, Zach, not really.

Julie Mayer: [Mocking Susan] Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.
Susan Mayer: Shut up.

Bree: Gabby, this is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer.

Bree: I'm repairing a chipped mug.
Rex: Why don't you just buy a new one?
Bree: Because I think it's better to fix what you already have.

Maisy: Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?
Bree: Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?

Gabrielle: John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because me and you? no future!

George Williams: Where are you going Bree?
Bree: I'm taking my champagne and ageing eggs and I'm going.

Lynette: Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years.
Mrs. McCluskey: No offense, but you should be sterilised.

Bree Van De Kamp: Rex cries after he ejaculates.

Bree: You're President of the abstinence club!
Danielle: Well, I wasn't planning on running for a second term.

Susan: But I also didn't believe Carl was gonna cheat on me. Or that Mary Alice would kill herself. Let's face it Mike, blind faith is not my friend.

Nora Huntington: You think I'm crazy.
Lynette Scavo: No! You're... colorful. Colorful in a way that might respond to medication.

Gabrielle: The only person more self - centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self - centred I am.

John: What about me? Can't I be your plan B?
Gabrielle: Damn it, John. What is our new rule?
John: Stop pretending we have a future.
Gabrielle: Thank you.

Bree: Maybe they'll just be happy for you.
Gabrielle: Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone.

Carlos: Where are you going?
Gabrielle: I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits.

Andrew Van De Kamp: Isn't that weird? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes!

Bree: Think of something unpleasant... like famine, or disease, or hobos!

Gabrielle: I don't even know who to be angry at.
Father Crowley: Don't be angry, be thankful, children are a gift.
Gabrielle: I don't have time for this crap

Edie: Well, someone might as well say it... Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?

Rex: So, these 'tennis lessons' we're taking, how are we doing?
Bree: My backhand is improving greatly, but you're still having problems with your serve.

Betty: (To Bree) We widows have to stick together.

Susan: What are you smiling about?
Mike Delfino: I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered.

Bree: My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him deeply. And your mother did a lousy job.

Mike: Uh, Susan?
Susan: Yeah?
Mike: Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore.
Susan: I can be naked in 20 seconds. That includes travel time.

David: You're not willing to get a divorce, but you're willing to have an affair?
Gabrielle: I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic.

Tom: I never thought you'd want a fifth kid.
Lynette: I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me.

Gabrielle: Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking: remember where everything goes. [Takes three pictures with her camera phone.]
Susan: You are gonna make a really good mother someday.

Bree: You've obviously never had to remove a cheese stain!

Gabrielle: Here's the thing. I thought you were a hooker, so I had Lee proposition you so I could catch you in the act. But guess what? You passed the test! Everybody inside for margaritas!

Russell: Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else.
Edie: Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive. They're still disinfecting the jacuzzi.

Susan: Do you believe in evil, Edie?
Edie: Of course I believe in evil - I work in real estate.

Tom: Surely you can control five little kids.
Karen McCluskey: Can I beat them?
Tom: No.
Karen McCluskey: Then my hands are tied.

Lynette: That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough.
Andrew: That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy.
Lynette: Ok...My fault for asking.

George Williams: Well... I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp.
Rex: Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex.

Susan: Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it, because I promised her that I would always respect her privacy. Now help me flip this mattress

Bree: Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.

Edie: Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month.
Austin: A month?! It was a $10 whiskey!
Edie: Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.

Bree: Would you two please stop looking at me like that?! Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply.

Carlos: Why'd you hit the lawn boy?
Gabrielle: Well if you saw what he did to our begonias, you'd slap him too.

Felicia: I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable precaution seeing as you murdered Martha and all. Would you like a cookie? (Paul Young refuses)
Felicia: Suit yourself.

Tom: Lynette, the kids are getting older, and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us, and then...
Lynette: We're screwed.
Tom: Exactly.

Edie: Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.
Susan: He just wants to buy me a burrito.

Bree: Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal-retentiveness for actual affection.

Bree: This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, someone will steal the car.
Rex: How can you be so sure?
Bree: Because I have faith in the poor.

Susan: Everybody's staring at me, aren't they?
Mike: Just the slapstick fans.

Susan: I hate to bother you while you're um...working, but do you have change for a 5? Preferably in quarters.
Prostitute: If I got paid in quarters I must be doing something wrong!