People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
- Jerry Seinfeld
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
- Jerry Seinfeld
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
- Jerry Seinfeld
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
- Jerry Seinfeld
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
- Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
- Jerry Seinfeld
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
- Jerry Seinfeld
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
- Jerry Seinfeld
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
- Jerry Seinfeld
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out'.
- Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
- Jerry Seinfeld
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, And make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld
That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me.
- Jerry Seinfeld
The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Why do they call it a 'Building'? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'Built'?
- Jerry Seinfeld
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, See if you can blow this out.
- Jerry Seinfeld
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
- Jerry Seinfeld
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.
- Jerry Seinfeld
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Jerry Seinfeld
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
- Jerry Seinfeld
You can measure distance by time. How far away is it? Oh about 20 minutes. But it doesn't work the other way. When do you get off work? Around 3 miles.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: A little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
- Jerry Seinfeld
