Weeds Quotes

Shane: Actually, you should alternate cold and hot every 20 minutes.
Devon Rensler: Don't even talk to me, weirdo.

Shane Botwin: You can't miss the bear.

Celia Hodes: [Watching a video of her daughter flipping her off] I should've had an abortion.

Celia Hodes: Let your freak flag fly.

Shane Botwin: I think pink's really your color, you f***wad!

Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?
Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU.

Doug Wilson: Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money.

Nancy Botwin: Hey, that bag looks a little small.
Conrad Shepard: You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the rainman of weed right there.

Nancy Botwin: People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
Josh Wilson: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film.

Nancy Botwin: Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?
Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Nancy Botwin: You promised me no kids.
Josh Wilson: Yeah, but they all want it, and they cry if you say no.

Shane Botwin: Can we go home now, please?
Nancy: It's not even halftime.
Shane: I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.

Celia: I haven't s**t in three days. I'm like an African famine baby.

Celia Hodes: When you stop being cute and funny and clean at home and start spending your afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.

Tennis Pro: That's why I'll never marry.
Celia Hodes: No, you just f*** the married, and then I have to watch it on video.

Tennis Pro: I'm sorry.
Celia Hodes: You're a big whore.

Doug Wilson: It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.

Heylia James: Serious shit calls for serious cash and your cash got a sense of humor.

Celia Hodes: Here's the thing, I really want to f*** around on Dean but the thought of putting one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing.
Nancy Botwin: I'm not sure a vagina would be much of an improvement for you.

Nancy Botwin: Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Doug Wilson: Did you try the Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated and then die for again.

Andy Botwin: Look kids, Chris is risen!

Andy Botwin: Hey, what do you think is better 'Jesus say relax' or I'm to sexy for my Lord?

The Candyman: Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her.

Andy Botwin: Hey, Pants.
Nancy Botwin: Please tell me I didn't just hear that you had cyber sex with a fifteen-year-old deaf girl.

Andy Botwin: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us, what do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
Lupita: The coffee table.

Nancy Botwin: Andy, this is my business, it's nothing to do with you. Go downstairs and do what you do best, patrol the couch in your underwear.

Nancy: I don't give a flying f**k if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.
Celia: Sorry. I took a lude.

Doug Wilson: Don't look at me, I'm f***ed up on corn bread.

Nancy Botwin: I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend.

Celia Hodes: Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back?
Conrad Shepard: Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.

Nancy Botwin: I'm the suburban baroness of bud, Nancy.

Nancy Botwin: You've made your bed, now f*** in it.

Doug Wilson: How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?

Doug: Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. Like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.

Heylia: Now, I know you got troubles, but like my momma always said,Tough s**t.

Nancy Botwin: You listen, you stay away from my customer base. Don't deal to kids.

Nancy: What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?
Heylia: Then I refer 'em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make s**t, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.

Doug: (On phone) Hey listen, I've got somebody here... we'll finish this up at the next counsel meeting. Your turn to bring the vodka. Okay, you too. Yes, yes, I f**ked your wife. Yes, I f**ked your mother. Okay, bye.

Tennis Pro: We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.
Celia: I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.

Conrad Shepard: You calling black people stupid?
Nancy Botwin: And lazy... and they also steal.
Heylia James: Yeah, but we sings and we dances real good.

Doug: See this Lollipop?
Nancy: It isn't...
Doug: Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.

Celia: I was thinking of going bigger.
Nancy: Bigger?
Celia: Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Lupita: Doesn't smell like sage.
Nancy: Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Silas: I need to talk to you, you f**king perv.

Nancy: ... Not to mention the amount of s**t I'm going to get from those Hypo-Christian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow!

Doug: If you make something mediocre enough, you might even have a go at it.

Andy: If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market, at least we can take a joke.

Andy: Know this, Lupita, until you love me, I've got enough love for the both of us.