I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
- Rudyard Kipling
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
- Dick Cavett
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
- Mark Twain
Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater.
- Albert Einstein
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
- Voltaire
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
- Oscar Wilde
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
- Cordel Hull
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Half of the people in the world are below average.
- Anonymous
A girl phoned me the other day and said - come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
- Unknown
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
- John Lehman
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
- Alfred Adler
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- Marty Feldman
Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.
- Geoff Arbuthnot
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
- Kilgore Trout
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx
Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
- Spike Milligan
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handy
