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"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
- Bernard Manning
"A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn't get into a single argument all day."
- Melanie White
"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."
- Author Unknown
"Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music."
- By Tom Sims
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
- Shirley Temple
"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?"
- Tom Armstrong
"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall."
- Larry Wilde
"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."
- Kin Hubbard
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season,
a deeply religious time that each of us observes,
in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
- Author Unknown
"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
- Arlo Guthrie
"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"
- Arlo Guthrie
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
- Joan Rivers